It flows differently here. Maybe its because all my life changed, with my reality being almost recreated. Or maybe because time now really flows at another speed.
Sixty four days have passed since I stepped out of that plane, unclear and uncertain, with my soul as calm as the sea without any wind.
Now...............the sea is tormented by ever changing storms, moving everything and everyone to new and unknown shores.
Strangely the future is more clear for me than it has ever been.
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I am writing this post as this evening I have read again Eminescu. Bringing this book along with me may have just been the most important decision I made in a very long time.
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Sixty four.....it really does not mean anything for my own, internal, time span.
Looking at how my knowledge about myself has changed, it could very well have been six hundred forty years.
I am not what I used to be, and will never be again.
Writing this sentence makes me sad and happy at the same time, the realization of it dividing me between the nostalgia of moments long gone and the joy of moments to come.
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I do not understand the river yet, but I have begun to hear it.
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Being sick brought the realization that music changes my spirits in such a way that is almost scary.
Being away from everyone I have ever loved brought the realization of how important they are for me.
Being out of control brought the realization of how much I depend on others, and how fantastic the connections with them can be if you just let go.
Being at the edge of education and development brought the realization of how big is the gap between Europe and the rest of the world.
Wanting to write as much as possible to the world I realized that the only person who can really read these lines is me.
I struggled enormously to not let myself get lost......though it still happens.
Now............. it is clear that I have no chance to succeed in this endeavor.
Not because there is a lack of care or attention, but simply because.......I never had me.
And thus there was actually nothing to lose.
On the surface I look, act and behave almost the same as I did when getting off that plane.
Now..............looking in the mirror........the other side stares back strangely, as if not recognizing me.
Those who have gone through a similar experience will read these lines with a slight smile on their face, neither of joy nor sadness......perhaps thinking of how they left themselves in those places also.
Those who did not, driven by the need to make sense out of everything, make themselves believe they understand the few lines above.
To you I tell, without any shadow of superiority or condescension, that you don't.
I could end by saying that now I am rediscovered, fundamentally changed and totally different, revealed to myself in all splendor and glory.
Truth is that I may never know who I am.
What I can say for sure is that for sixty four sunrises I woke up feeling differently, and for sixty four sunsets I have gone to sleep wondering what is happening to me.
2 comments:
:)
Stiu ca nu inteleg. Voiam doar sa-ti dau un extras cu ceva asemanator. Endless Sea - Amyr Klink.
"Today I undertand well my father. A man needs to travel. By himself, not through stories, images, books or TV. He needs to travel on his own, with his eyes and feet, to understand what is his own. So that one day he plants his own trees and treasure them. He needs to get to know the cold in order to enjoy the warmth. And the oposite. Feel the distance and the lack of protection in order to feel good under his own roof. A man needs to travel to places he does not know to brake this arrogance that make us see the world as we imagine it, instead of simply as it is or can be; that make us professors and doctors of what we haven't seen, when we should be students, and simply go and see it."
Te-am pupat.
anztu'
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